You Are Guilty. I Am Guilty. How to Sabotage Yourself
Sun May 2 10:22:22 2010
Have you ever felt guilty about things you've done or haven't done. Is the feeling of guilt really helps us deal with past events or is it destructive?
Have you ever felt guilt? I am sure you have. Even the legal system in virtually every country is based on placing a person into a confined environment where they are supposed to feel guilty about the things they have done.
What was the outcome every time you felt guilty for your actions? Let's say you forgot about your friend's birthday. It is now a week past the date, and someone mentions it. You glance at your friend who says "It's OK", but you blush and start saying "Sorry" over and over again and start making offers to go party on the weekend.
Most people would feel guilty in this situation. They would wish to never have felt it though. Why? It's destructive. It makes us question our esteem and promotes irrational decisions.
If in the example above you're to feel guilty, that would probably because you'd fear that you are now will be thought of less reliable as a friend; or that you don't care about your friends; that you're a "bad" person.
To redeem yourself, due to the feeling of guilt, you would probably purchase gifts that you are not in a possition to afford. Promise your friend a party on the weekend and the next weekend; anything where you'd feel that it's "enough" for the guilt to go away.
The reason most people give their friends birthday presents is a simple matter of making their friends feel special on their special day. If you forgot about a birthday, it's OK to say "Sorry" and it's OK to give a belated gift or throw a party; just do feel guilty about the fact that you forgot the date. You're a human and humans are not perfect.
There are various sources of guilt. For example, a parent might make a child feel guilty when they don't behave the right way. Some kids make their parents feel guilty just to get a toy that the parent can't afford. Your religion might make you feel guilty. Your partner might make you feel guilty, questioning your love. And I think the most common form of guilt is self-imposed one. The one where out of the blue you feel that you've done a "wrong" thing and now you must redeem yourself.
All these forms of guilt are harmful to you and to others, if you're manipulating them with guilt. You should avoid all of those forms of guilt, and you definitely should not manipulate anyone.
While it sounds easy to do, getting rid of guilt feeling takes time. The first step would be to identify what/who makes you feel guilty and why. It wouldn't hurt to carry a small notepad with you and even write down all the moments when you were either manipulated using guilt or felt guilty for one reason or the other.
The second step is to understand a universal truth: everyone does their best - always. Even if you never forget anyone's birthday, and one day you did - it was your best. Perhaps, you had your mind filled with worries about the upcoming rent payment or you were overloaded at work. Whatever it was, you performed at the height of your abilities; even though you're not happy with the result.
With that said, learn to accept the past as the past. Don't feel guilty about things you've done or haven't done. Don't say "if only I..." It would help you a single bit! Just stop. Say to yourself: "I did my best" and move on in life.
Also, learn that you do not have to prove anything to anyone. This is actually directly linked to your self-esteem. Raise your self-esteem high enough, and no one would be able to manipulate you in a million years.
Your partner might say: "If you'd loved me, you would buy me that diamond ring!". It's manipulation. If you cannot afford that ring, or do not feel it's the right purchase or the right way to express your love; simply let that be known. Say: "I love you, but I don't feel that me buying that ring is the way to prove it".
Any form of guilt is destructive. Learn to block that feeling completely.
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